Life is a race

They say life is not a race. 

Some achieve great things at young age, some pretty late. 

Take your own pace.

But,

Realistically speaking, life is a race.

Even when you don't want to compete.

Because you have obligations. Families. Friends. Commitments.

I'm taking my own pace. I kept on repeating positive words like your time will come, great things take time, God knows best. I know, that's true, somehow.

But when life hits, commitments hit, it's all different. 

I need money to help my parents put the food on the table.

I need money to go see my friends.

I need money to buy my cats' food.

I need money to simply continue life?

That's when I cannot be positive. That's when I realized that no matter how patient I am in waiting, in believing, in being positive, life will always knock me down. Life will always say be quick, be fast, you're left behind. 

Last night I couldn't sleep and had a very dark thoughts.

I was asking myself why am I still breathing when I'm no use to anyone?

Wouldn't it be better if I'm gone?

Less mouth to feed, less money to give, less worry to concern. 

But if God says it's not the time yet for me to go, then He must planned something for me ahead right? I'll just keep looking.