one day

I'm wondering when he'll see that I've never been this vulnerable before,

The way I'm loving him in a way I've never done before,

That my exes would die to have this version of me, 

I want him to know I've never loved anyone this hard,

That I'm too scared to lose him,

Because when he hugs me,

I want more,

When he kisses me,

I want forever. 

I've never thought loving someone would be hard,

crying myself to sleep every night, 

questioning my worth to someone,

questioning why he would not do as much as I would,

when I already know the answer,

simply because he doesn't love me as much as I do. 

It hurts when he can go days without me,

doesn't care if I'm here or not, 

while me being suffocate of the thought not being with him,

it feels like I would give all my world to him,

but he doesn't want to be in it. 

I am sooo tired of trying to understand,

In fact I've always find reasons to make up for his actions,

"Maybe I overthink too much,

It's not a big deal,

He's right,

I think too much,

It's not a big deal",

Repeating like a chant,

which I don't know when it will ends.

I'm scared because I don't want to lose him,

& I know I will not choose to be in a place where I'm not happy,

I know one day I will choose to walk away,

and even though I know he wouldn't care less on that day,

but I know my present self want it to be forever,

and that feels like betraying myself. 

but,

I know I wouldn't want to stay and be hurt,

I know one day I will choose myself,

I know one day I will not care too,

& it hurts even more knowing that I don't have to wait until that day,

to realise he never cares,

because he's been doing that forever,

& I'm just making excuses to not see.

That's because I love too much,

even when I know it is fatal.